


The First Assignment

by ppyajunebug



Category: A Very Potter Musical, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Thursday Next - Jasper Fforde
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 14:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ppyajunebug/pseuds/ppyajunebug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione Granger has a new job and it's so not what she expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Assignment

**Author's Note:**

> Characters in this story belong to Jasper Fforde, William Goldman, and many others. My apologies to Darren Criss.

It was her first day on the job and Hermione was nervous beyond belief.

The fact that she had even made it past the Jurisfiction training was something to be proud of. Ron and Harry hadn’t made it past the second day; Ron had been terrified by a rampaging adjectivore and Harry had almost gotten permanently trapped in Poetry. Miss Tiggywinkle herself had to jump into “The Charge of the Light Brigade” to save him from getting trampled.

Sitting outside of Norland Park, Jurisfiction’s headquarters, Hermione couldn’t help but wonder what her first assignment would be. She had read her handbook cover to cover and knew all about the exploits of Jurisfiction’s most famous agents; Colonel Bradshaw’s early exploration of the BookWorld and the maps he drew, Ms. Havisham’s daring rescue of Thursday Next from an Outland jail cell, and the amazing adventures of Thursday herself. Secretly, Hermione hoped that Thursday would be her mentor, although she had heard tell that she rarely took on new agents. Still, a girl could dream.

The sound of footsteps startled Hermione out of her thoughts. The most beautiful woman Hermione had ever seen was walking towards her. She was tall and willowy, with perfect skin and long golden hair. Hermione almost hated her on sight.

“You must be Hermione! I am such a fan of your work!” the beautiful woman gushed as she reached Hermione’s bench. “My name is Buttercup. I promise, I’m not a complete idiot. I’m just written that way. Wesley is the really dumb one- you should have seen him when we entered training. He didn’t even make it five minutes.” Hermione understood the impulse to be defensive about how one was written. She herself was not nearly as bossy as she came off on the page.

“So, are you going to be my mentor?” she asked, rubbing her sweaty palms on her jeans. She noticed that Buttercup’s smile slipped a little.

“Not exactly,” she said as she sat next to Hermione. “You see, we have a very special assignment for you, one that you will be completing alone. And it’s one that only you can do.”

Hermione’s fidgeting only got worse as she imagined what lay in store for her. “And what exactly would I be doing?” she asked.

Buttercup sighed. “We need you to go into the Outland.”

Hermione went still with shock. “The Outland? You want me to go into the Real World? But no fictional agent has been allowed out there for years! Why now?” Why me?”

Buttercup pulled a folder out from the folds of her gown. “Temporal field adjustment,” she explained at Hermione’s confused look. “I had Ten set it up for me the last time he checked in.” She opened up the folder and Hermione saw a picture of…Harry?

“This is HarryPotter186” Buttercup said, pointing to the photo. “He was a character in a rather well-written and popular story in FanFiction, but about three weeks ago he disappeared. We had to adjust the story to feature Neville instead. The whole story has gone wrong; characters are getting tortured and killed left and right. Funnily enough, it’s only gotten MORE popular since.” Buttercup broke off as she noticed Hermione’s stunned and confused look. “Anyway, that’s not relevant. What is relevant is that one of our agents from the Real World was able to track him down. Apparently, he had enrolled as a student at….the University of Michigan in the United States.”

“If you know where he is, then why haven’t you sent that agent to erase him? Why do you need me?”

“Because he’s ingratiated himself so fully into the Real World that we’re afraid of what might happen if we remove him. He’s created a whole identity for himself. What we need is for you to do is to help him complete the integration process. We need you to help him create a backstory so full that he forgets that he was ever Harry Potter. He needs to become this Darren Criss. You’re someone he will recognize as a true friend, someone he’ll listen to. Plus, you’re smart enough to be able to think on your feet and blend in to the Outland. We’ll be setting you up as a transfer student from Oxford. You need to figure out a way for him to transition from his Harry Potter persona into this new one he’s created.”

Hermione’s head was spinning. She had to go into the Real World to help some crazed facsimile of Harry become not Harry? And she had to do it all while she pretended to be real?

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but the Real World and the BookWorld need you Hermione,” Buttercup said softly. “If we don’t help this Harry become real, there’s an all too real possibility that someone will start to suspect something about the existence of the BookWorld. Our ImaginoTransference technology can only handle so much meta. The jokers over in Internet Memes are already using up most of our meta resources. If people start to read between the line-“

“The BookWorld could collapse and we’d lose all of literature,” Hermione finished for her. They had mentioned something of the sort in training. It was why they hadn’t sent an agent to the Real World in years- the ever-present danger of discovery. She sighed. “When you put it like that, how can I say no? When do you need me to go?”

“Colonel Bradshaw will brief you on your backstory before you leave” Buttercup replied, standing up. “If you’ll follow me, I can introduce you to him. We’ll also take you to JurisTech and get you all the thing you’ll need to set yourself up. After we send you out, you’ll be on your own. We’ll contact you when your assignment has been completed. If you get close to letting anything slip about the BookWorld, you will be erased. We can’t risk it.“ Buttercup started walking briskly towards Norland Park. Hermione followed her, feeling the sick feeling in her stomach spread throughout her body. This had to be the worst first day in history. And that included the time with the dementors.

~

When Hermione has first arrived at Hogwarts, she had spent the first few days in awe of its size. She’d grown up in a small house, so the fact that she now went to school in a castle with an unknowable number of rooms stunned her.

The University of Michigan was even more daunting that Hogwarts had ever been. There were more students in her dormitory than there were in all of Hogwarts. It took all of Hermione’s willpower not to gape at every building she saw. She was dazed as it was; she kept getting swept up in the rush of students in between class periods and ended up at the wrong building three times on her first day.

She had enrolled in the Acting program, as that was where HarryPotter186 had ended up. It certainly wouldn’t have been her first choice- she much preferred the idea of taking some literature and history classes while she was here. But she had to complete her assignment; if she didn’t, she wouldn’t exist to take those classes. So she played improvisational games and analyzed plays and did scene studies in the hopes of getting close to this so-called Darren.

She had glimpsed him a few times in the theatre building. Every time she tried to follow him, he seemed to melt into the ever-present crowd of students. It was incredibly frustrating. She tried asking her classmates, but since they were mostly freshmen and “Darren” was a senior.

In between classes and chasing down the elusive Darren, Hermione was working hard at not being detected. It should have been easier for her to blend in since she was written as having grown up in the Muggle world, but that was years before here. She had to learn how to use a computer, what “texting” was, and why in the world anyone would want to do something like “tweeting.” She went to bed every night completely exhausted and terrified. She had never wanted to be back in the Gryffindor Common Room so badly in her life.

She was eating lunch when she finally found him. He was sitting alone at a table with giant earphones on his head. She picked up her tray and marched over to him. Slamming it down on the table, she ripped the earphones off his head and plonked down in the seat across from him

“Hello Harry,” she said with a grin. HarryPotter186 looked shocked and more than a little nauseous. “Surprised to see me?”

“H-h-hermione? Is that you? The real you?” he stammered. His hands shook as he lifted his water to try and take a sip. “Did Jurisfiction send you? Am I about to be erased?”

“No Harry,” she sighed. “I’ve been sent here to help you fully integrate into the Real World. They’ve decided that allowing you to exist out here would be better than just erasing you. I can’t say I entirely agree.”

“You’re going to help me? What does that even mean?” HarryPotter186 looked genuinely puzzled.

“We need to figure out a way to merge your two personas- bring together Harry Potter and Darren Criss in the smoothest way possible. I think I may have an idea…how have your singing lessons been going?”

~

Two weeks into rehearsal, and Hermione was regretting ever having suggested this Harry Potter musical thing. The cast was more interested in joking around and making up ridiculous songs than taking the story seriously. The plot had spun wildly out of control and now seemed to encompass three of her years at Hogwarts at the same time.

“Har-I mean Darren, this is becoming entirely ridiculous!” Hermione cried after the latest song- something about guinea pigs and Canada?- had been added to the set list. “This barely even resembles the story anymore!”

HarryPotter186 grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side. “Don’t you get it?” he hissed. “The more unreal I make this, the more real Darren becomes! By turning this story into a loving parody, I don’t even need to transition! The story is doing it for me!” He looked so earnest and pleased with himself that Hermione couldn’t bear to break his heart by insisting on sticking to the books.

“Fine!” she said. “We’ll do it your way. But do NOT expect me to participate in this farce any longer. I’ll come and see you on opening night, and then we’ll assess.” She gathered up her things and let the rehearsal space.

Opening night came faster than she had imagined. Despite counting down the days until she could return to Hogwarts, her nervousness over the finished product, now being called “A Very Potter Musical,” sped the time at an unnatural rate. Practically the next thing she knew, she was sitting in a theatre anxiously awaiting Darren’s theatre- and Real World- debut.

If the audience were to have any say in the matter, Hermione could count the whole mission as a success. They all seemed to enjoy themselves immensely. She was just glad she had thought to bring a book with her- some of their interpretations were so entirely from left field that she barely recognized herself in the story. But the wild applause at the end of the show told her that at least her idea hadn’t been totally off base.

She caught up with Darren by the stage door. “Harry!” she called, unthinking. He didn’t even turn. “Erm, Darren I mean!” she corrected herself. Turning, his eyes met hers, and she knew instantly that his transformation was complete. There wasn’t even the slightest flicker of recognition in his eyes. As she sighed contentedly, there was the feeling of the world rushing away around her. She shut her eyes against the dizzying whirl, and opened them again in the gardens of Norland Park.

“Well done Hermione!” She turned and saw Buttercup sitting on the same bench where they had met that first day. “Bradshaw is very impressed with your ingenuity. A musical production? Who would have imagined it would turn out so well!”

Hermione blinked, clearing her thoughts. “So that’s it then?” she said with a bit of disbelief. “We just leave him there to muddle through and hope he doesn’t remember who he is one day?”

Buttercup smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry dear- we’ll be monitoring him,” she answered. “Pretty soon he’ll be cast on some television show the Outlanders enjoy and he’ll be so busy being ‘discovered’ that he won’t have time to contemplate the strangeness of his backstory.”

“And me?” Hermione asked. “Do I just get sent back to Hogwarts with a pat on the back? Or am I a Jurisfiction agent now?” Buttercup pulled a folder out of her gown.  
“We’ve got your next assignment all ready for you. Now, we’ve got this character filing a complaint about stalking- Bella something or other. We need you to go in and help her readjust her view of the situation or the whole thing is going to have to be scrapped- the story ends on page 50. What do you say?”


End file.
